Obsolete

I’ve been gone for a long time due to my lack of motivation for anything that deals with writing. I dropped the next novel and won’t even finish my short stories. The problem is my brain doesn’t turn off. The ideas pour in, and all day long, I think about the next thing I want to do but will ultimately ignore. Where is that fucking spark I had? What can bring it back?

Maybe it’s because I don’t drink like I used to. All week I didn’t drink, but look at me now. All my vices lined up in my system. My dreadful confidence does have its spark for this exact moment. I hope I can keep it going in my normal sane self, but the world is funny that way.

If I just finish editing my new short story, it could bring me back. It’s for a short story club, and those people will appreciate it, but I don’t like it. It plays with my White Picket Fence Theory and makes my stomach turn.

I find it funny that the age of my average reader is 85. You think more people like me would relate, but that is the thing. I have never found anyone “like me”).” There is no Tyler Show, I am just an extra in other people’s lives, shown in their creation. Who the hell wants to hear the opinion of a 30 something failed writer who talks randomly and is quite good at Tetris…..I mean, I would read that.

I can question all my mistakes. (Those nightmares remind me of The Dreams) However, it’s not that complicated. I know one big problem if resolved, I could get that excitement back.

My friends are gone. I knew it, felt it, and I dealt. I accept that. I’m happy for them what they may have (job, marriage, kids); much of that isn’t me, so I take my vices as a replacement. (Jealous?)

This is all just a stop at The Crossroads. Not sure which path to go down, nor is there a devil offering me a raw deal. The only devil I know is the one on my shoulder, constantly crying for the loss of the angel on my other shoulder, who had hanged himself.

Alright, this is quite depressing. This will be a rough summer, and it will be hard to live an extraordinary life, but I got my interests. I have many hobbies, and it is hard to give equal time to all of them. These are things I just enjoy talking about. (Music, Movies, Chicago Sports, Outdoors, Games) I’m a real critic of some things. Even if I write about something I hate, like Rise of Skywalker. Or Rob Zombie’s Halloween movies, I would still get enjoyment.

I shouldn’t be so dark, but that’s how ai like to write. I mask lots of sarcasm it can come off cruel, but I love it. When you feel obsolete, you don’t fall into the drama that the white picket fence brings. I call it a great blessing from my own personal consequences. I choose right, I choose wrong, and I wear it on my sleeves when I can. I am finding balance in myself, which takes discipline, but maybe that is what I need.

I’ll be back sooner than before….