Well I am back! It has been awhile. March has dragged by and I slipped back and waited till I had something to say (I don’t) but I have been writing this book like a mad man. I wrote 60 pages last week, the most I ever have in a single week. I felt good about 20, but I lost count and just kept going. My sleep was destroyed, so caffeinated every morning before work. Typing pages, restless but hungry to finish the said book. I took a few days off just to learn how to sleep again. Fixed that and back to normal (For Now)
My days at my job are starting to feel inconvenient to what I want to achieve. I believe there was always a rift in my brain but I just chalked that up to hating on the job. It is not hard, but my motivation is towards something else. I don’t want to be the sheep behind the fence. I want to be the wolf in the shadows, waiting for a break in the fence, ready to paint his fur red. I guess that phrase doesn’t really work to what I am saying. I just liked the sound of it.
3 months into this year and the wind has a different feel. Conflicts still petty, but there is an ease. Maybe it is me, maybe the art of not giving a fuck has really stitched me up into a status others could only dream if they could dream, so they don’t so I write the nightmares that the starved sheep like to bitch about. It is hilarious to me that as soon as Illinois made marijuana legal, so many people decided to quit drinking. Bravo I suppose, if it was a problem of course, and not some fad that was just a weird to say “I am not buying booze anymore!……cause the tax rate on edibles forced me to stop drinking.
I am no stranger to drinking. I take it with pride, and I love whiskey. Do I drink it every single day? (No) Those 60 pages I knocked out….about 5 were under the influence. Look, people wanting to change for the better is a great thing, but bragging about it, seems odd. Live your life to the change you want to be, be a living example. Don’t run around typing your vanity for the world to see. If you did really change for the better than the people that care about you will notice. No reason to brag about changing, especially if you fall back on it like everyone does after new years.
Self honesty is the real key here. Instead of being stuck behind your inflated pride, maybe be honest with yourself. Never live for how you want people to see you. Live for yourself, because living for a perception is a terrible miserable existence. You want people to see you as this great person…why? Who the fuck cares? At the end of the day the average person doesn’t. Their programming might see otherwise, but people who lived based off programming is already a miserable person. Living a life possessed by what was taught to them, lined up ready for the tide to pull them out. Maybe stop and think for yourself? It is not hard. Throw away what you think you should do, and do what you want to do. Be honest to your soul, only then you can live with a smile even when hell’s flames tickle your toes. Obviously don’t act upon things that would make you a horrible fucking person (Rape, murder) If those are your intentions to make you smile……see a doctor? Suicide is still on the table if that doesn’t work….
But Tyler! Isn’t this post about you going balls deep into your vanity. Don’t you want people to see this? You want people to like you! You want people to like your writing!? Sure I do, I am only human. I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I think Joss wrote some beautiful episodes, but it doesn’t change my mind on him being a shitty person. (He is) My blog is just a doorway into my brain. I offer it for self reflection and its more for myself. If people want to venture in then that is their choice and I appreciate the love I get from strangers. There are some awesome blogs out there with questionable people behind them. I thank them for their great work…….but I know deep down that some of these people like things I despise, like vegan bacon or the Rob Zombie Halloween remakes…….
No hate. I guess all I am ranting about is to never live for other peoples perceptions, never live for your vanity, but be honest and live for yourself. Or don’t and disregard everything I said. Hell, I am not even sure what I typed (Whiskey) Maybe I should quit drinking too! (NO.) Anyways…..I will see you all in April!
In The Spider's Web 