Well, I am back! Its been a rough couple months with a broken laptop, a death…and the recent cold spells.
First off…. .Ah, I remember it was in the bleak December; And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.” Poe said that and a bleak December it was…… It started with putting my dog to sleep. I will discuss that in a further blog for its a lot that has been written and I do not feel like talking about it at this given moment. My laptop broke and my novel I was working on was lost with it…..until it wasn’t.
Do you believe in Divine Intervention? I am not sure if I do, but my novel was lost, only to just magically appear on an external hard drive that was stored in another room. The date that states when it was uploaded is even creepier for it was after the laptop broke. I don’t know how my novel got on there, but it did.
I have been slowly but surly been working on a few writing projects. An article about otters for a magazine, a short story for a digital magazine, and of course my most recent novel, which was nearly lost. (Thank the God(s)) January has just been a failure, like every year. It is when the cold really starts to sink in and so far this year has really proved it. I can’t express how much I love tip toeing down my icy driveway, bundled in multiple layers, feeling Arctic temps make me rethink where I am currently living, all just to go to a job that never closes, and all the while I notice that most businesses, are closed…..I guess I just have to reap the fruit of my choices, including the bad ones.
The motivations of the current world of work have hit a critical low within me. There has been many low times (All the fucking time) but right now I feel broken. I am not sure if it is a combination of Nessie dying, tearing a muscle in my foot, the new system at work, or hell, even a missed kick in a Chicago playoff game, but something seems off. I have this displeasure in the robot cycle of life. Doing the same things, the exact same way, every fucking day, every fucking year. It leaves a distaste in my mouth that I can’t wash away, and it leads to these overwhelming feelings of despair. People will say, “Tyler, this is just how the world is!” NO! It doesn’t have to be, that is just how you choose to see it. I can’t see past the obvious, and this drowning feeling of swimming in a cesspool with no current. Stagnant with no change, and I am too self aware of it. I look around and see so many people who are completely content with life that way, almost blinded by it so much they really can’t see what they are worth. I chose to do everything I currently am. I decided to jump off the bridge and dive straight into the unknown, following a dream that some days seems brighter than other peoples dull choices of fulfillment, but there has to be more than this….right?
I am not looking for the meaning of life or even a sense of fulfillment. I think most people just follow the path to find fulfillment, which is a crock of shit because there is no such thing. Go buy your over priced white picket fence and fill it with a spouse, pop out a couple of kids even! That is what your parents did, so why the fuck not? Once you get all of that, wait till its dark out, lay in bed and try to wonder why you can’t sleep at night. Fantasize about what life is going to look like in the next 5 or even 10 years. Look at that, you still can’t sleep years later. You thought you would find fulfillment but all you found were more problems that deep down in the back of your mind you never really wanted…Soon you will remember the good times, when you had nothing, and you lived on the razor’s edge. It may make you smile in the dark and get you harder or wetter than the person laying next to you could ever do….or used to.
OF COURSE! You will not say these things out loud because you have people that you love and all your sacrifices you do are worth it….or so you tell yourself when there is noise. But when it is silent, you think about the truths. Honestly I am not even sure what I am bitching about! I lack all of those things so how would I really know! I don’t so I should be happy, hell I am probably happier than most people, but what I empty…
I want to see the world, travel and find adventure. I want to jump out of planes at the highest point, and scuba dive to the lowest point. Hike through the mountains and sleep under the stars and wonder what is really out there. I want to eat weird food, and meet more wondering souls that I can share conversations with over a glass of absinthe. I want to tattoo the memories across my body, inspire the mind to pump out more stories with references from my life. I want to fall in love even if it is for only five minutes….I want my dog back, but I can’t so I want to raise a new puppy using everything I learned with Nessie and teach it to them. That is what I want…all of it.
So where do I begin? When do I break the wheel and travel out of it?
If I offended anyone, it was not my intention, just me ranting through some thoughts that have plagued my brain in the last couple months.
I am going to to do that pretentious thing that other people do to make themselves seem deep. I am going to end on a quote
“The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed.”